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Throughout history, the biggest threats to survival of humanity always came in small packages. The humble yet hard-working bacteria Yersinia Pestis hitched a ride on rodents and terrified human carriers, killing one in two Europeans in the Middle Ages. Following World War I, victors and victims of the conflict came home in 1919 to a pandemic of Spanish Flu that killed 20 million. Today, as we loom closer to the year 2012, when the Mayan Calendar mysteriously just ends, we are confronted with Avion Flu as the main threat to continuation of the human race as the most imaginative and potentially intelligent species on the planet. 

Direct links have been made between Avion flu and drinking the overpriced bottled water bearing its name. Perhaps it is karmic justice that the 'poor' and 'uncool' drink tap water loaded with chemicals and/or 'bugs', and the 'in-the-know', 'hip' , 'cool-to-be-cruel' crowds imbibe this aquatic brew, particularly after a long, hard day of re-establishing their cultural superiority over the 'common' folk. Indeed, in Ancient Rome, only the rich got to drink water fresh from the mountains (interestingly, the suggestion on the bottles of Avion), delivered by shiny, ever-impressive, artistically-tasteful aqua ducts which added lead to the mixture. The richer the Roman, the more lead he, she, he-she and/or she-he drank, the madder they got between the ears, and the more likely they were to kill their beloved spouse, mistress or most-beloved selves. Of course, history ignores the insignificant collateral damage such as crucified slaves or those killed in the coliseum to please the 'upper crust' aesthetics of the lead intoxicated promoters, and the common citizens who were occasionally allowed to drink from da rich-folks water fountains when in town.

Though the link between Avion and the flu bearing its name is clear, it isn't as simple as one bottle equals a day in bed, two a week, a carton a month. Avion flu is far more insidious than that, particularly because of its initial carriers, and ever-increasing-in-number vectors that spread the disease, without their knowing it. Of course, we are talking about the most dangerous human to inhabit the planet since an Austrian-born artist was rejected by the 'cool crowd' in the 1920s and decided to take out his frustrations by taking over Germany in 1933 and invading Poland 6 years later. The Fourth Reich is not skinheads in KKK costumes, but Yuppie scum, who of course never call themselves Yuppies, or scum, shifting the names they call themselves as required by their own need to be culturally competitive and (using an outdated and overused word) 'cool'. Their most favored 'marks' and converts are geeks and nerds, who, with enough power and 'power' seminars at which Avion water is served, do become Dorks (e.g., Bill Gates et al). 

There is some speculation that Avion flu is a variation of DOV (Dull Out Virus), which is spread vibrationally by many vectors, including Country AND 'rock' music with a never changing beat and lyrics which activate the lower shakras of dependency, happiness and greed. Top forty DJs and Entertainment Show TV hosts trained to keep a smile on their faces even when delivering the darkest of news, required by law to wear hats or grow bangs to hide the lobotomy scars. Brain-killing messages were delivered with and between the lines to the more 'literate' of society though books masquerading as literature, through the pens of (presumably) Michael Crichton, Anne Rice, Stephen King and, on occasion, the odd Larry McMurty short story. Certain kinds of hair dye carry DOV, particularly the 'blonde forever' kind, intentionally designed by certain parties in the American CIA to 'dumb down' the Japanese and other science-smart Oriental populations through teens who want to look like Brittany Spears soon after their arrival in Amerika. Viral components of DOV have been documented in the 'three squares' generously slopped on the plates of American servicemen, and women, though those who obtained the evidence usually wind up 'indisposed' prior to deriving the crucial proof, or invited to be a part of 'out of body' experience programs sponsored by the Transcendental Meditation Foundations in Iowa, located close to the bunkers where for 30 years people HAVE been listening to all of our phone calls.in case you were wondering..and the satellite stations that man the devises that are seeing you read this right now.

Avion Flu (AF) does carry some similarity to DOV, the sequence of the main chain of the viruses suspected nearly identical. Both find their way into the cerebral cortex, activated by auditory and visual 'cues' in ways that are still poorly understood.. Perhaps a cure for DOV, the virus that drains vitality, imagination and intellect, replacing it with 'happy' (the most common term used in lower economic victims) or 'contented' (in 'upper scale' patients), along with obsessions for conformist and pre-reproductive behavior, and the lack of ability to interpret a sentence as long as this one or read ANY literature from the 19th century that uses such sentence structure, is the same as Avion Flu.

Avion Flu CAN be detected, confined, prevented and, according to some sources, even cured. The facts are out there, obtainable to all. Yet certain 'constants' over the years have prevented their spread. As Albert Einstein said, 'Great Spirits have always met violent opposition from mediocre minds.' Unfortunately, many mediocre minds who yield power and influence have this poster over their desks, thinking that they are part of the solution when they are a central part of the problem, a fact denied each time they quench their thirst with, yes, Avion water, instead of the 'toxic, carcinogenic' sugar-containing drinks the 'uncool' people get out of the vending machine. 

In the spirit of giving hope to a world which DOES deserve a shot at surviving, and in the service of those who still DO have open hearts, active minds and bold spirits, the writers of this book outline, to the best of our perceptions and knowledge, the state of Avion flu, and what we can do about it.


Where and when Avion Flu originated is still a matter of speculation. Some link it to the under-accomplished but well-accepted critics who intentionally called Hitler's quite innovate art work 'primitive' and 'amatuerish' when he presented them to the admissions committee at art school. Yes, the world should have learned the ancient credo that applied since the first caveman put a likeness of his favorite cavewoman's breasts on the walls of his home, and/or toilet space. Indeed, once writing came into place, ancient Sumerian translations revealed the following: "If an overly passionate, hyper-intense, overly-committed artist wants into your school, for God (gods') sake, let him in!"

Though work was well underway in Ireland to analyze a sample of skin from the uncertain-gendered "Herr Frailein" who made the final decision regarding Adolf's application, it was lost when a German agent delivered Newfoundland Screech to the investigative team as a Christmas gift. A fire broke out in the lab when the congregation got drunk, according to rumor, said fire started when the members of the group got involved in a 'sensitivity' fight, lopping off portions of their ears to 'out van Gough' each other. No one heard the fire alarm, leaving us with charred, and sautéed, evidence of what really afflicted Herr Fraulien Where Herr Fraulein got her water still remains a mystery, but most pictures of her/him, him/her reveal a pretentious smile, and a hairy, fingernail polished hand holding onto a brew which was never identified Indeed, speculation exists that the picture 'the Housepainter' submitted for his admission piece identified the label with an 'A' in the beginning, and an 'on' at the end, enough room for letters in English, French or German for 'vi'.

Recent evidence handed over in South Africa at the Amnesty Trials following the ending of Apartheid did reveal what is most probably the earliest source of Avion Flu. According to the torturer, 'Lance', a suave looking masochist of 'undelcared' sexual orientation, accused of electrocuting male Keffer prisoners and raping Black female 'terrorist' suspects. In his off time, and as part of his thesis project for a correspondence degree from the Central Intellectual Association University (CIA U), he was using American top forty tunes with never-ending melodies (including the 'Achy Brakey', Ballad, Green Barets and 'Feelings') to break the Will of 'outside agitators' from Amnesty International and the Peace Corp, turning many of them into torturers or, if the experiment was even more successful, advertising executives and divorce attorneys. Lance could not justify his actions as being politically motivated, his lawyer advising him to examine his past and see if there was something that happened to him that would make him not responsible for his despicable actions. Unfortunately, Lance couldn't trace any of his behavior to 'justifiable' in keeping with his culturally-superior and ultra-hip family such as being a drinker, doper, abused kid, abusive kid, sexual deviant or deviantly-religious convert. But there was medical evidence to suggest that Lance's abusive behavior was justified, and perhaps even treatable. It all started, according to his account, and documented medical history, to a chance meeting with his American 'cousin' (according to his father, though not his mother).

Lance met Brad when backpacking in Europe in 1969 as struggling college kids out on their own, trying to figure it all out. Lance recounted their meeting at the Hilton Coffee Cafe over croissants and caviar, both acquired when they sat down at a table formerly occupied by 'Establishment Capitalists'. It was a hot day, and the caviar was quite salty, as they discussed how to change the system from within without being sell outs. Lance talked about his dealings with Apartheid enforcing Afrikaners in his homeland, Lance relating tales about thugs with badges outside the Republican convention bashing in the heads of kids protesting for Civil Rights and an end to ALL Wars. The day got hotter, the discussions intense, and even some solutions to the World Problems outlined. Intensity of thought led to solidifications of Visions. A hot babe came over to listen, with enough English in her hand to transcribe the discourse, enough French tongue inside her sensual lips to satisfy BOTH lads as they were becoming men. "We sweated blood that day," Lance recounted. "Or at least that was what if felt like. Our Souls were on fire, our bodies hot. We needed to cool down. Some water, but we were in France and unless you ask for water in French, they just give you more salted crackers, particularly if you are with or are an American."

The transcripts of Lance's trial revealed that he choked here. Someone offered him a bottle of water. He went ballistic, recalling, "Get away from me! That was how it all started! You bastard you.!"

An interview with Lance later, under appropriate sedation, revealed that Brad pulled out a bottle of water from his pack. When confronted with various logos and names, it was confirmed. Lance had brought with him, to France, from America, a contaminated bottle of Avion. What it was contaminated with was never confirmed, but it was confirmed that it had an effect. Conversation at the table degenerated from ideals for World Peace and Universal Prosperity, to wanting to get a piece of ass from the French babe, and the male waiter. Dialogue about Universal Prosperity turned into thoughts about how to capitalize on the Revolutions going on around the world with a hip, cool brand of 'Revolutionarily Yours' clothing, designed to make any rich kid look hipper, cooler and more authentically 'guerilla' than anyone else in the protest rally or campus demonstration. Lance said that he found that he remembered what he learned in Psychobiology program he had taken initially to find a cure for World Depression and Anger. Now, combined with Brad's distortions of Democratic Socialist Economics, they were figuring out what kind of moves, curves and shapes one could use to intimidate a competitor into feelings of inferiority, and induce a date into doing whatever you wanted him, or her, or it (there was a reference to canine companions) to do anything you wanted 'it' to do at the end of the night.

Fortunately, the woman who transcribed the conversation before the Lance and Brad had become Soul-dead and brain-defective, took the initial dialogue to a publisher. It was brilliant, as she recalled in her diary. "Two Einsteins who solved the problems of the world, for all time, relatively and absolutely speaking." Unfortunately, the publisher was soon bought out by Brad's new company, 'Hip-n-Cool', the manuscript given to a Hollywood writer for adoption to screenplay, which was 'tweeked' for requirements of the medium into an episode of 'The Love Boat', unrecognizable to Lance, Brad or even the unnamed French babe. As for said Babe, she chose to keep her palate un-watered that day, grew a whole new brain under her glorious mop of NATURALLY blonde hair, and became a Professor of Linguistics in Nepal. One day, she meditated herself out of her body and couldn't find her way back Home/Om, but remnants of her recollection of that fateful day in 1969 prevailed.

It wasn't long before Lance and Brad carried the Avion Flu back home with them, and spread it to others. As 'hot hunks', no one really knows how many mates, and of what gender and species, these two 'gentlemen' spread the disease to, or even if the disease was transmittable at all. To date, it is hard to tell, but every photo or pictorial representation of Lance and Brad in their future life has, in the background, a bottle of Avion water. As do most of the available pictures of those with whom they had 'relations', and relations those people did 'lunch' (and other things) with in later years. We do know that Brad and Lance became major shareholders in Avion Enterprises, with several silent partners never named in their trials, wills or even 'made-for-CABLEtv' scripts they had written for them.

Not even a pre-Avion Brad or Lance has the mathematical prowess to trace where Avion went after that fateful meeting in 1969 that brought the ugly American virus abroad. Suffice to say that Avion Flu, and its vector, Avion water, is now out there, within reach. Who is susceptible? What happens to those who are? How can you protect yourself, and your loved ones? The next few chapters should shed some light on this very dark, but important issue.


Like being a drunker/doper or, as the elite refer to it when it happens to them, 'substance abuse miscalculator', the primary symptom of having Avion Flu is denying that you have it. The DC (denial center) in the left amygdala shows elevated beta activity, particularly in 'alpha-wannabe' personality types in Avion Flu at levels similar to those who repeatedly replied 'no' to the question--- 'Are you an elitist cool-to-be-cruel, I'm-hip-and-you'll-never-be Yuppie?' at Salt Spring Island Starbucks, the Sundance Film Festival and the World Hunger Conference banquet hosted by Babs Streisand in Aspen. 

Less than 3.1 percent of all adult males, females and even a smaller number of those in between who have had Avion Flu admitted to having, or spreading the disorder. Those admitting to having the disease, or having had it, have undergone extreme religious conversions (becoming unreachable for further study), became judges for Amateur Talent shows or multi-million-dollar-a-movie celebs who routinely play struggling 'common folk' on the big screen, or have become semi-literate heads of literary publication companies and script development funds. The rest went into politics, particularly after the Special Bill passed by Congress in Closed Session in 1973 (the year disco started, ABBA rules the charts, and the Special Bill lobbied for by Avion Books) required all members of the legislature be of 'common man' (low) character, 'populist' (lesser) intellect and elevated need to bolster one's ego at the expense of others (a hallmark of Avion Flu). One patient selected for study at the University of Arkansas in Hot Springs after his graduation from High School took up residency in the White House, bolt-locking himself there for 8 years. 

But to stop a disease which deadens mind and sterilizes spirit, one must first recognize the symptoms of the afflicted. While regional variation occurs with regard to symptom otology, certain patterns have emerged.


It used to be easy to recognize Avion Flu affected and afflicted by terms such as 'do lunch', 'lets network on that' and 'yes, I do feel your pain.' The latter phrase still lingers, but with some speech patterns which linger due to mutations of the virus. These reflect a lack of affectation to the world as it is. Three independently conducted studies on confirmed AF subjects found congregating at Starbucks. The researchers asked the quiche and cappuccino subjects to 'review' documentaries about the 2,000 peasants who die every day in Latin America growing coffee beans. An average of 76% said it was 'jarring' to their sensibilities, most of the critiques aimed at the quality of sound and lighting in the intentionally-picked high-concept, low budget film. Emphasis on form over content, and most particularly 'fire' remains an AF symptom. Sixty one percent of the 'reviewers' of the film identified typos in the credits. Over 79% tossed out the book about the Latin American famine and diaries written by the poverty-stricken who were incarcerated prior to their execution after their eyes ran across, and located, the fourth misspelling in the text. 

Quantification of the degree of AF infection of speech centers in the parietal cortex, but both the right AND left sides are affected. The male AF victim can be identified by the 'lovely' index, taking note of how many times the subject says that word, and within what context. The most seriously afflicted, with the potential of spreading the Avion virus, are male subjects who describe such things as Wagner's Flight of the Walkire, Beethovens bombastic 9th symphony, or a hard-earned touchdown in a mud-and-blood filled Superbowl as 'lovely'. The female victim usually repeats phrases of 'praise' picked and/or designed to feel superior to the 'lower form' that actually did the work, such as 'interesting', 'rather', 'quant', 'different' or 'cute'. Her maternal tone and smile often confuses the individual to whom she is delivering the 'compliment', and such 'compliments' are never delivered into the mirror. 

In any case, the AF patient has creative aphagia disorder (CAD) which makes them very 'caddy' and in the predominant number of cases, unable to form innovative expressions of their own. However, cerebral compensatory mechanisms allow most AF subjects to imitate 'cool' phases which gain rapid social acceptance as 'original' and/or 'in' by means of how they are spoken. Studies are underway to discern the specific inflections used by AF patients which make them seem like original 'cultural healers' to the unassuming listener.

The AF speaker is always 'heard', though seldom loud in volume. 'Cool' at all times, he/she displays minimal hand and body motion, her/his sweat glands seldom releasing anything at all (except, of course, when attempting to engage in 'hot' reproductive activities intended to have no reproductive products the next morning). However, when challenged and 'hit' at the point of their 'emotional core', the AF subject will 'break down', or rather 'emote his/her innermost feelings'. The subject expects, and demands, approval of such 'feelings' and that all who disobey them following the 'breakdown' are insensitive and cruel. The subject is often unaware that he/she is playing this 'game'. The fact that the AF victim does 'buy his/her own bullsh-t' has been verified by hidden cameras in 'reading rooms' (bathroom stalls) at Doubleday's and Chapters where subjects were observed turning pages with well-licked, brown fingers. The index finger was most often (64-72%) used digit for self-ingestion of self-produced detritus. Those with masochistic personality types (43% when measured) did use the third finger for this task. 

The female AF victim most likely interrupt when engaged in conversation as a hallmark of her interactive speech patterns. The male carrier will always speak, or smirk, last in any exchange of words between people. When interacting with other AF victims, as well as members of the 'commoner' population, the AF is highly competitive, particularly in 'sensitivity' contests in which the AF 'individual' will use any form of manipulation and/or force to let all in the room know that he/she is the most 'sensitive and caring'. This becomes a highly deadly affair when it occurs at film 'festivals', the victor in this 'death and humiliation to the loser' activity often the one with the most pronounced lisp when saying 'festival'. 

When AF victims interact with each other, the most afflicted usually wind up displaying the aforementioned speech patterns. The male and female AF patient find each other's pathology sexually attractive, usually leading to recreational activity leading to reproductive activity. There is an inverse relationship between actual active intelligence of the AF male and sperm count, the most 'brain dead' being most alive, and reproducible, between the legs. No systematic studies have been done on the female's AF fertility and its relationship to the disease, due to male AF carriers who have exerted their effect on various regulatory and granting agencies. But it is well established that those of low intellect are better breeders. As to the global repercussions of this, the average AF victim (who always claims to be above average) will say that he/she is 'concerned about the problem', and often displays Global Population Control stickers on the family SUV used to transport the five 'children' (never called kids) from computer class to soccer practice. 

Body 'Linguistics'

The very term 'body language' is considered 'inferior' by the AF patient, but the way they carry themselves can be a clue in identifying them. Male and female subjects sit cross legged, erect, display minimal body motion with hands, feet and everything else (excepting, of course, reproductive parts). Everything is 'business', their job to do the 'creative thinking', everyone else's to bleed, sweat and exhaust themselves. When 'miscalculations' occur, the AF patient is very good at transferring guilt to other parties. And as for dissatisfaction with the job at hand, even it if is a 'hand job' the eye roll given to the 'in the know' people in the room is a classic symptom of AF.

Sensory Systems

The AF victim has a highly intense sensory system, able to feel the slightest change in the inner and outer world.as long as those changes directly relate to the well-being or possible competitive 'edge' obtainable by the AF patient in question. And as said subjects usually DON'T question ANYthing, it is safe say that one can usually trick the AF victim into believing most anything. Working through the palate is a particularly effect way to make an AF patient hear, and even understand, what one has to say. 

Exotic food which repulses non-AF victims is the investigators' choice meal while conducting studies on these people. Indeed, the chisel-faced, narrowed, 'edgy' bone structure of most AF subjects gives them rodent-like characteristics in their behavior. A direct route between the olfactory system and the taste buds of the tongue to the association cortex emerges as a functional pathway opened up by some ingredient in Avion water still yet to be identified. Such a pathway, termed the 'Sundancian Cannell', releases dope-of-mine, a derivative of dopamine with a twist in one of the hydrogen-carbon bonds reported to make a left twist in right-brained subjects. It is a short-lived aberration in neurotransmitter stoiciometry, but enough to divert most cerebral processing centers into sending projections to memory centers of the (yes) 'hip'pocampus, and then to hypothalamic centers which set in motion pre-reproductive activities. Ultimately, de-differentiation of stem cells occurs in the epididymus in nerve and nervous cells in the penile organs in men, and as yet-unknown sub organs in pelvic regions of females. Ultimately, as more activity occurs in these regions said subjects 'think' with their dicks, and 'janes'. Studies are underway in transgender AF subjects to determine which gender has the stronger pathway.

But whatever the mechanisms, if an AF subject feels 'good' with respect to his/her sensory input to the nose, tongue and mouth, any accompanying stimulus is also, by association, considered 'good'. Linear and non-linear regression statistics were collected from responses of critics at the Nuvo-Rich Art Gallery with displays ranging from Rembrandts to mud-stained posters which fell off the truck on the way to Wal-Mart. A direct correlation was found between (a) the kinds of food served, (b) the bust and/or penile size of the servers, (c) the extent to which the servers extended their service (d) the alcohol content of the rum served and 'artistic merit' of the works seen. In a subsequent double-blind study, the same workers altered the cultural backgrounds of the artists without the critics' knowledge. The 'winner' was a lesbian, Albanian who studied Kabala while converting to Islam in a Buddhist monastery in Palo Alto. One-name 'Virginity' (who, the critics were told, was too 'cool' to show up to accept the award) had an average of four romantic relationships a year for a decade, her role as masochist in 46%, sadist in the 48%, both sadist and masochist in the remaining 6%. 'Virginity's' SAID (Substance Abuse Index) was high, addicted to 8 substances in succession, just as those materials became popular, her 'recovery' from each substance taking place just as recreational use stopped being 'cool'. Virginity's 'mud-impressionist-post-romantic-neihalist' paintings sold out in Lower Manhattan and the Hamptons, but remained un-purchased in every New Jersey Wal-Mart where they were displayed, finding their way back on the truck, the soot acquired from the road washed off. 'A tragedy for the art world', the Villager Voices review read. All the more tragic were the homeless people in less affluent neighborhoods who used the newspaper for blankets the next night.


The difficulties in disseminating information about the spread of AF lies in the fact that AF patients and carriers have found their way into positions of power and influence in the publishing and literary industry, the latter term being a contradiction in terms. Fortunately, the seratonin-mediated exhaustion syndrome (SES) felt by AF afflicted individuals (another contradiction in terms) in the occipital cortex which makes reading anything more than a blurb or a five word sentence 'too hard to handle' has opened up several routes for spreading information relating to the spread of this very serious disease. The compiled list below represents material from various sources, including the garbage (alternatively called 'socio-ecodisposable bins').

Avion Water

Not everyone who ingests Avion water, at least through the mouth, contracts AF. The factors that predispose some people from being immune to its cerebral-deadening effects are not known, but some studies suggest that diet may play a role. Preliminary studies confirming clinical observation at the Western University of Eastern Montana suggest that 'upscale' diets which are low in proteins, low in fat, low in calories and high in cost increase the likelihood of contracting AF from drinking Avion Water. "Lean Cuisine" consumers, irrespective of the content of meat in their diet have a 666 percent higher incidence of AF than those who eat more 'blue collar' foods. Of the 'blue collar' socioeconomic group, it has been found that sausages, chocolate, fried cheese and chili, particularly when eaten in large amounts at one time, seem to lower the incidence of contracting AF 

It has been clearly established an studies conducted by Analus University and Harderock Institute that Avion Water inserted into the anal cavity induces AF in between 85 and 92 percent of subjects tested, immunity of those who did not contract the disease were reported to be 'copiously flatulent'. 

Sexual Transmission

Since the AF patient is more concerned with self-satisfying mischief than meaningful social revolution, it is not surprising that sexual transmission of AF has been postulated. AF afflicted 'individuals' are highly co-dependent on others with regard to defining and maintaining their self-esteem. Therefore, it is not surprising that sexual activities amongst AF populations are four to seven times higher than in 'normal' populations, even BDS (beer drinking slob) groups. In general, AF patients with lower IQ and most particularly SQs (Spiritual quotients) have a significantly higher rate of sexual activity with regard to frequency, length of time per 'episode' and number of 'partners' (the latter usually involving members of all three genders). 

Anal intercourse ('getting it up the ass') is the usual means of initial spread, as suggested by recent studies, those 'screwed' learning to do to others what was done to them. The more one is the 'screwer', by whatever means of fluid transmission, the more likely he/she, she/he or she-he is likely to develop further signs of AF. Before his 'accidental suicide', and emergence later as a Black woman, Caucasian index case 'Brad' (the earliest traceable American vector for the disease) had an AF Affliction index of 120 out of a maximal score of 100 (twenty points were reportedly added by the subject himself by cheating on the questionnaire and paying off the investigator). Studies with subject 'Lance' (Brad's South African 'partner' (according to some San Franciscan reports) indicate that the 'chain of cruelty' is indeed passed down from 'Top Dawg' down to the bottom 'Pup' on the totem pole in a manner very similar to that observed in the Japanese Army during WWII. 

Some speculation still suggests that a virus that produces AF-like symptoms was tested on Japanese soldiers during that War via Geisha girls. According to the accounts given, the as-yet-unidentified microbe was then released into the general population in the US and the rest of the 'Round Eye' world just prior to the surge in the Japanese economy of the 1980s. Direct proof for this has not been reliably confirmed by teams working with Fuji Computers and Sony Surveillance devices. Indirect indication of AF in transplanted populations does exist, or rather did, until pro-earth, pro-environmental, anti-logger 'superstar' David Suzuki countered the claims in a speech from his environmental home built from logs obtained by an estimated 300 acres of rain forest. 

Zoonotic Routes

Though some veterinary researchers and most pet shop owners lay claim to AF in animals of 'pure and highbrow' breeding, survey studies by those without breed bias do not confirm this contention. There has been no proof to date that AF water, or other means of transmission discussed below, has a profound effect on animals. It is interesting to note that the AF carrier and victim usually has no pets and minimal contact with companion animals. However, isolated cases of AF have occurred


Though the mechanism of audio-visual stimulation in contracting AF are still poorly understood, correlations are strong between what the unsuspecting person sees, hears and (through Pacinian Corpuses sensitive to electrical and vibratory stimuli) feels. 

Immune-suppression of AF is significantly higher in those who hear, and listen to, Howard Stern as well as Rush Limbough, along with other 'opinion and REAL attitude' radio personalities. Contrary to current belief, exposure to UV spectra via television does not cause AF. However, the lower spectra of 'dark light' coming off computer screens does have a profound effect on contraction of AF. Game players are surprisingly immune from transmission, though DOV (dull out virus) symptoms have been reported in such individuals which mimic Avion Flu. Unfortunately, reliable data regarding transmission from game designer to consumer is unavailable, since each wind up in each other's alternative dimensions. 

It has long been known that music has charms to calm the savage breast and/or beast. It is (or should be) widely known in inner circles that all you need to do to make thinking, caring people do stupid, unthinkable acts in the name of Nationalism is provide a leader with distinctive facial hair, a colorful National flag and an anthem which makes them forget their own inner drummer and dance to the leader at hand. It is (or should be) known that most people can be 'made' to like a tune and fall in line with the company line if said 'song' has:
-A steady beat which does not vary, avoiding slow rates which induce reflection (under 60 per min) and those rapid beats that gets everyone out of control (over 80 per minute).
-A home (not Om) note which starts the song, and a progression of notes that goes up or down the scale by no more than one note for most of the tune. Octave 'twang' jumps acceptable if sung by a 'Mom-like' whore who considers herself 'just a country gal' while living in a Swiss chalet off the hard earned money paid by her loyal fans who are lucky to have minimum wage jobs. 
-A 'friendly' key, usually C, avoiding key changes which would give the tunes other definitions by virtue of the laws of auditory psychodynamics. Key changes going up the scale allow the listener to experience the same 'song' from different perspectives, as in Wagner's Sigfried's Idyllic and Triston und Isolde. 
-A singer, band and promoter who says 'Wagner' mit a 'W' and Mozart with a 'Z' sound.
-A never-ending melody that can go on forever, and never end, going on forever, never ending, going on..etc.
-Lyrics that discourage individual thought, introspective exploration, self-sacrifice for the greater good and a deeper (for REAL) relationship between the listener and the (for REAL) Divinity within which is beyond any religious, cultural or 'family' definition (including picture).
-More repetition.
-Music, becoming musak, with no more than 10 percent increases in volume in the 'loud parts' and no less than 10 percent decreases in the 'quiet' parts.
-Even more repetition.

The aforementioned 'formulas' when applied to ANY genre of music have been linked to spread of AF and weakening of the hypothalamic-limbic-cerebro processing arc to a point that nearly 97 percent of even the heartiest of thinkers succumb to AF. Transmission by this route does not require ingestion of Avion Water, the suspected viral activator in quiche, or even the mixture of sertaonin antagonists and dopamine release stimulants present in cappuccino and so-called 'gourmet' coffees that taste nothing like java.

Other factors

While the factors linked most closely to AF when ingested include Avion water, quiche, cappuccino, 'lean cuisine', Sushi, fondue, gourmet coffees and caviar, other factors predispose those who have un-knowingly been exposed to even trace levels of the aforementioned to contracting this deadly, and contagious, disease. Dyes present in 'high end' silk fabrics (most particularly ties) have the capacity to be carried transcutaneously, the sweat under the collar enabling direct absorption into the carotid and jugular arteries, with a pathway directly to the hippocampus. Botox used to contract skin has been known to migrate up the trigemeninal nerve and exert its effects on cerebral blood vessels, increasing the amount of fat between the ears as the 'attractive' subject drops pounds around the waist. Cranial liposuction has been attempted, but subjects did not survive the procedure, as the vacuum pump used on these 'air heads' was above the level considered safe. 

Those who engage in 'pace and lead' activities with AF-afflicted motivation speakers often become AF afflicted themselves, even when they don't drink from the same punch bowl at the 'power receptions'. It has been speculated that no-name mayonnaise inevitably works its way into these 'empowerment' functions carries with it an antigen which heightens the ability of the as-yet-unidentified AF microbe to infect cerebral tissue of affected parties. 

Ultra-filtered air contains an AF-inducing material, though it is not known if unfiltered air normally present in the atmosphere (most particularly near bus stations in New Jersey) contains natural immune factors to AF. 



The deadliest thing about AF is that it kills slowly, destroying the mind, Soul and heart, leaving the body 'alive', able to carry this vitality-killing disease to unsuspecting victims. But as a wise person said once, 'Nature never gives you a problem without a solution.' As a tired veteran of countless culture clashes said in Hollywood, 'No one knows anything.' And as ageless Phil Ochs wrote, and sung, in 1967, 'to the safety of sterility the crowd has been defined.' Speculation was that Phil Ochs' 'suicide' in 1968 was because he had access to a CIA file addressed to the then most powerful official in the free world:

"Herr Professor Doctor Kissenger,
The upcoming social revolution which threatens the American military-industrial complex and the international economy to which it is based can be perverted by turning the minds and hearts of the 'new revolutionaries' dedicated global Enlightenment into 'old reactionaries who engage in mischievous activities relating to pleasures of the flesh. Research is actively underway to develop a microbe which will destroy the recently-discovered Nucleus Compassionous, Intelligentius and Vitalicus in such a way that the subject is not only unaware of the drain of cerebral potential, but enjoys 'becoming dumb', as such will become both fashionable and increasingly socially acceptable. While previous microbes have been successfully deployed of this nature by this department on 'test' populations in the 1950s in Iowa, Switzerland and the cast of the Lawrence Welk Show, a more effective and untraceable vector is required for widespread national, and international use. While it is true that lowering the Vitality, Intellect and Spiritual Quotations of populations will substantially increase their obsession with sexual desires, dysfunctional co-dependent relationships and ability to breed, such offspring could potential represent a new population of Untermench (lower men) and Unterwomen (lower women) who can serve das Vision of our new Vorld Order! Long live the Fatherland und the Fourth Reich (run mit a lot of Jews on top dis time)!!!!"

The letter, which acquired increasingly more Bavarian characters at its tail end, was not signed, as the writer contracted AF just before signing it, and forgot how to read and write. The letter was swiped by the author's secretary while said author started chasing her, requesting a portion of her blood, and 'love juice' to make his mark on the document. The mystery women, 'Deep Throatess', went into hiding to avoid retaliation, contracted the disease herself several years later by unknown routes, but not before, according to her diary, 'MoniKKKa' (with three Ks) met 'Brad' at a 'Jews for Jesus, Buddha and Anyone else who makes us Hip' meeting in Hate Ashburied, Mass. 

The letter and speculation regarding its significance did get into print, in the National Inquirer, insuring that it was disbelieved. Still, information regarding AF from historical and contemporary sources continues to filter in to accessible, though 'off the beaten track' locations, such as Canadian cities with Universities in their center and funny names (perhaps to keep said universities isolated from the commercial sector) such as Saskatoon, Moose Jaw, Goose Bay and Kamloops (Kamloopies after the local vegetation is eaten or smoked). As such, we offer here the fragmented information regarding cures for the AF. The authors give pre-warning that if such recommendations get into the wrong hands, the spread of Avion Flu may only be enhanced. As usual, the manufacturers of the water bearing its name were unavailable for commentary.


Since it is speculated that AF is caused by, or precipitated by, an ingestable substance (e.g., the water bearing its name), some practitioners have attempted 'fasting' as a cure. To non-AF afflicted world which brings in less than $50,000 a year, this treatment is called 'starvation'. Unfortunately, the 'fasting to find yourself ' diet often results in increased AF symptoms, in part because the water used by those attempting be 'cured' is Avion Water. 'Juicers' have often met the same tragic fate, as Avion Water has found its way into many commercial fruit juices, particularly those marked up by 666 percent at 'Back to Basics' health food stores. A warning about AF-contaminated AF 'cures' was published in the Last, Last, Very Last, We aren't fooling this time, Earth Catalogue, but the editor thought it 'artistically tasteful' to write the warning in Tibetan. Whether said editor was a CIA plant, a Microsoft spy, or an AF victim him/herself is still a matter of speculation.

But it is known that in some cases, AF-afflicted YS's (Yuppie scum) have been cured of the disease when deprived of all components of their normal food and water sources. Between 20 and 53 percent of AF 'patients' recovered from the disease, and 'found out who they really were, and who they were supposed to be' within 6 to 17 months after their credit cards ran out and they moved to 'the boonies' where they had to obtain jobs that actually provided needed services for people, and animals. Those who entered medically-related professions seemed to prosper best, along with those who endeavored in careers in the agricultural and/or ranching sectors. Highest recovery rates were seen in patients who had exposure to animals, cold, and excrement (human or animal), as verified by the maximal recovery rate (between 85 and 93 percent) in those who relocated to Northern regions of South Dakota, or 'Wild West' Canadian locations such as Saskatoon, Kamloops and Moose Jaw. Unfortunately, there was a population even in these locations who remained AF-afflicted, opening up Quiche and Cappuccino houses that, despite warnings and legal injunctions, still sell food and drink which is intimately linked to the spread of AF.

Food Replacement

Double blind treatments have been attempted to use food which AF-afflicted people distain in an attempt to cure them. These studies were conducted through volunteer non-AF afflicted spouses with afflicted AF partners. Foods which the advanced AF-affected would not touch with a ten foot electric vibrator and/or dildo were introduced 'under the taste' of top-of-the-line East Indian curry or as 'Thai food from the recently-discovered high country' in an attempt to reverse the effect of any dietary factors which induced or enhanced AF symptoms. Promising results were seen with no-name Macaroni and cheese, cheese puffs, hamburger helper and 'Working Man' Brand French Fries, however if AF patients were exposed to food and servers at 'Power Lunches' or 'Sensitivity Festivals', even for a night, symptoms returned. Still, 'anti-food' (af) AF therapy shows promise in modulating symptoms assuming the non-afflicted spouse/partner/friend doesn't contract AF and remains dedicated to stopping it in the patient at hand, and in populations to which said patient is inevitably exposed.

Rejection by Other Contagion Patients

Clearly, AF intensifies in people afflicted with it if exposed to other afflicted individuals. Gatherings of 'cool' people make them progressively cold to the world outside their sphere, as measured and confirmed by core body temperature measurements as well in these 'tight assed' people. Beautiful people become even more stunning in the presence of approving 'colleagues' and even competitors as determined by 2 deoxy-glucose assays of cerebral brain inactivity and limbic lobe enhanced 'action'. 

Such observations led to the speculation that if the AF-afflicted 'individual' is taken away from his/her/its peer group, symptoms would decrease and treatment to eradicate the disease would be more effective. Indeed, such an approach is somewhat successful, assuming that the patient belongs the predominant Type I population, which has a normal distribution and represents 95% of affected AF victims. Unfortunately, there is a Type 1 ½ population, its numerical assignment based on the small number of people in it as well as the smallness of the esteem Type I AF and most non-AF populations have of such individuals. 

A classic case was a dark haired Austrian-American AF victim who decided to 'outcool' his literary colleagues by writing 'My Angst' under the pen name of 'Adolfa', a lesbian gypsy with an obsession for Jewish men and acquiring large plots of land in Poland. It was a colorful enough self-funded promotion signing at Doubleday's main store in downtown Chicago which by all calculations would have worked, every trick in the AF-manual of buying of cajoling consent used. But there was something about 'Adolpha' which just didn't fit into the 'programme' at hand, perhaps the mustache above her lipstick, perhaps the way she goose-stepped into the room in stiletto-heeled hip boots, or perhaps because she/he (no one was really sure, including him/her) proclaimed that 'My Angst' was written in service of the Fourth Reich, a reference, coincidentally made, in the letter from the unknown CIA agent responsible for initiation and/or spread of AF. In any case, Adolpha blew up the hall, with everyone in it. True, she contained AF in Chicago, a city which to date still boasts the least amount of AF per capita, but her/his body was never found amongst the rubble. Collateral damage to non-AF people in the vicinity has been calculated, but was made unavailable to the authors.

Drug Therapy

Though hardly an AF victim 'alive' admits to it during the recovery period, the predominant majority of AF afflicted individuals have previous or ongoing pharmacological addictions. Of course, non will admit to being 'junkies'. As such, treating the AF patient is very difficult due to unforeseen and unreported drug interactions. To date, no known seratonin-blockers, MAO inhibitors, tricyclic antidepressants or even derivations of lysergic acid have been reported to be useful in treating the AF patient, either before or after he/she becomes a 'victim'. Madness of Enlightment is still best enjoyed 'straight'. 

Apacolyptic Therapy

To contain AF, the 'cull and slaughter' method has been suggested. Taking into account that AF afflicted persons usually congregate with each other, suggestions of actually letting the virus run its course or introducing a ricin-congugated version of AF into said populations to kill off the afflicted have been proposed. However, given the situation globally and methods of transmission, there are no contained 'pockets' of AF, suggesting to others that perhaps the only cure for Avion Flu is elimination of its only known host----humans. While this method would certainly solve the problem, difficulties in recording the effectiveness and consequences of this experimental design are problematic. However, monkeys are currently being trained in statistics and observational methods should this approach be required.

Psychokinetic Therapy

The beneficial results of music and dancing in decreasing the severity of body tremors in Parkinson's disease have prompted several investigators in Scotland to apply SAWH therapy ('shake a wicked hoof'). SAWH therapy has had some positive effects with patients afflicted with DOV (Dull out virus) but such depends on the kind of dance therapy employed. Once the AF-afflicted are induced to dance, and even pick their feet up off the floor while doing so (particularly hard in White, Canadian populations), it is difficult to ascertain if the therapy actually works. The 'pace and lead' dynamics set in too easily in the subjects, as well as activation of sexual desires. Due to the extreme variability in results, and the abundance of therapist who have used Beethoven's Fifth set to disco beat as their music, SAWH therapy is contra-indicated for the AF victim. Running and cross-country skiing has beneficial effects, but examples of successful results are limited as the AF afflicted patient considers him/herself 'too cool to sweat', and once perspiration commences, there is no shortage of Avion water and Avion water drinkers around the patient in question.

Past Lifetime Regression

Psychosis and neuroses of various kinds are commonly found in populations susceptible to AF, and certainly become manifest in virtually all those afflicted with the disease. In an attempt to trace the roots of such psychological disorders, several Jungian therapists have attempted past lifetime regressions. Unfortunately, the majority of these attempts failed when the therapist regressed back him/herself, along with the patient, both parties haggling over past debts involving who owed who money, points with the boss and/or slaves. 

Religious Conversion

As the AF afflicted patient always considers him/herself the boss/healer for everyone around him/her, some therapists and spouses of the afflicted have tried various ways to make the patient in question acknowledge the existence of a Higher Power. Though this has worked in some patients (Cat Stevens, e.g.), the AF patient will more often than not find a 'niche' (the 'cool' word used most often) to sublimate cultural and economic superiority into spiritual superiority. The dynamics of 'humility' contests in houses of Worshop parallel the winner-take-all 'sensitivity' competitions at film festivals. Religious conversion therapy is also dangerous because the AF patient often not only befriends 'God', but makes this Deity his/her assistant and second banana, most particularly in warm and cozy 'fruit and nut' locations (e.g., Key West, Lost Angeles and Marthas Vinyard). 

Meditative Therapy

Numerous studies show that Transcendental Meditation decreases anxiety in heart patients, lowers aggressive activity in violent prisoner and activation of dormant cerebral processes (thinking, for example) in sons of ex-Presidents who inhabit 'Daddy's big chair' in the White House. However, meditative therapy in the AF patient has limitations, most particularly because focusing on 'Om', the Heavenly Essence, or the Light Within so often give way to meditating one oneself. 

Mirror Therapy

'An unexamined life is not worth living,' said Socrates. While the AF patient often does examine issues and ideas, he/she seldom applies this mental activity towards him/herself. The most obvious way to treat AF victims, according to early AF-Treatment regimes is to make them look at themselves. As such, 'mirror' therapy (still part of many Mastery Programs today) has been used. The patient is asked to look at him/herself in the mirror for a five minute period without looking away of doing any actions which would distract the patient from looking into his/her eyes, and the vault of potential REAL greatness behind them. While in principle this therapy does have certain beneficial effects, the AF patient more often than not stares at the mirror well beyond the five minute limitation period, in a 'pleased even more with my super cool self' spiral that leads to increasing the severity of the disease. However, observing 'mirror gazers' in public remains one way to identify AF patients and protect them from children who may contract their disease.

'Ugly' Therapy for Beautiful People

A variation of Mirror Therapy is to force or cajole a 'makeover' on the patient which is in direct violation of his/her AF groups standards of 'hip, cool, beautiful'. In this technique, the 'cool hair' female AF subject is given a bad perm, the super-stud male put into a dress with heels, the 'trump you with fashion' Trump wannabe put into sweat-stained jeans and ripped tee shirt. When followed up by addressing said 'transformed experimenter' as the 'character' whose feet they now occupy, favorable results have been obtained. Unfortunately, when the AF patient is 'dumbed down' to being a 'commoner', he/she can still find ways to act and feel superior to others, and in some cases can make the 'gross, disgusting' makeover look 'hip' to everyone else. One case involved an Irish singer, an AF carrier with long-haired who was given a buzz cut by an overzealous and inexperienced therapist. The attempt was to turn her away from a career of destroying lives and economies of small Latin American countries as a Supermodel working for a major coffee company (which had links to Avion) 'Senaid', as her file name reads, went on to start a local 'bald is beautiful' movement . Speculation remains as to whether the therapist gave her the trim above or below the scalp, the latter known to be a practice routinely performed on Marines on the first day of boot camp to ensure minimal independent thought and maximal 'absorption' of the training process. 


Can Avion Flu be stopped? History contains numerous examples about how Mother Nature slaps her human children in the ass or gives so many of them a permanent 'time out' for violating her basic laws. The Black Plague decimated half of Europe within a four year period, corpses littering the streets of every town. Those who doubt the spread and deadly effect of the Avion Flu need only look around them at the increasing number of brain-slow and Soul-dead people around them every day. 

True, the majority of AF afflicted 'individuals' are group-dependent, arrogant, self-absorbed Caucasians between the ages of 16 and 45, but as the world becomes more cosmopolitan and Starbucks' around the world become occupied by those of all races and ages, AF is spreading. Indeed, some investigators speculate that there is a bit of Avion Flu in ALL of us, irrespective of acquired genetics, politico-religious beliefs, socio-economic class or age. In a world where Avion Water and other factors which may spread AF are becoming so common-place in baby-filled rooms in hospitals, schools, theme parks, libraries, research lab cafeterias, weddings, Holy Water in churches, media events and even funeral homes for the dearly departed, there is no where to hide anymore. 

There are few Causes which transcend political ideologies, and Avion Flu is certainly one of them. However, no political body at the National Level in any G-8 country has a formal policy to deal with AF, or even to form committees overpaid to examine the problem. It is therefore up to the 'average citizen' to become an over-average achiever in this global endeavor to rid the world of the most devastating epidemic since..since..well, you fill in the blanks and think about it. Before AF prevents you, and your loved ones, from thinking at all.